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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Maybe it's NOT about the happy ending, maybe it's about the story.

I think I think too much sometimes.

I know that I've told you this all before, but.....My life used to be a nice neat package, all tied up with a pretty organza bow. A steady stream of very predictable activities from day to day, with no major surprises. (Mmm hmm, just the way I like it.) I went about my daily duties of raising a family and keeping a home, feeling secure and blissfully content. I was one happy camper all right, filling a role that I adored and felt I was meant to be doing.

When all of that changed, about two months shy of five years ago, I started on a long and winding trail of self examination and discovery. (Oh, the things I have done in the past half decade that I never dreamed I would do!) The ups and downs, (mentally, emotionally, financially and geographically...) and the highs and lows of starting my life over at the half century mark have been anything but predictable, and full of surprises!(And I must also add, looking back over these past few years, much of it is better than I could ever have imagined.)

By far the biggest adjustment has been the fact that my future doesn't "look" like I ever expected it would look. Learning to roll with the punches is one thing,and being at peace with not knowing exactly how the future is going to look is entirely different. This being said, please understand that I am not saying I am not happy these days, I am just saying it's been an entirely different ride than I thought I had bought a ticket for....(I am guessing that many of you feel like I do, whether your life changes are brought on by divorce, death, the lousy economy, or any number of other events.)

The simple fact is that I assumed that I had the happy ending to my story all dialed in. (And we all know what they say about when we "assume" things...)Way back then,I thought I knew precisely how that ending would look,some thirty plus years ago.(Aaaah, the stuff we think we know when we are young!)

Now, not-so-much. In fact, I don't have any idea how my little story is going to end, and I realized that this is what is constantly nagging at me. That whole I-wanna-skip-to-the-last-chapter-of-my-life-'coz-I-need-to-know-now thing is not living in the present.

Nope.

I am learning, ever so slowly, that maybe, just maybe...it isn't about zeroing in on the happy ending. If I'm obsessed with lurching ahead and focusing on the ending, I'll miss the whole rest of the story, and that is where all of the adventure really lies.
PS....

28 comments:

  1. I love your transparency - I've been here over the past few years and have been amazed by your resiliency and courage. I recently shared a quote by Ann Voskamp, author of One Thousand Gifts, on my blog: ‘Just that maybe … maybe you don’t want to change the story, because you don’t know what a different ending holds.’ This has helped me recently when the storms of life began to rage. You are an inspiration to me - to so many of us!
    ~Adrienne~

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  2. I remember your prior posts on this topic, Tracey. If only *knowing* it's the journey and being present that matters would make it easier. Amazing how the pain and angst just keep poking away. Take faith in the fact that you are NOT alone--we all suffer. God sometimes seems more a concept to me (I've felt abandoned so many times). A wonderful friend just reminded me yesterday, that these trials are designed to draw us nearer to Him (and I honestly struggle with that). Hold dear your cherished friends, believe in your abundant talent . . . and have a nice glass of wine (well, later on!). Angst (or rejection or loss--fill in the blank) is like a pothole on the bumpy road of life: it's a pain in the ass, but you get past it! Drive on, Tracey!!!! xoxo Debi

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  3. Life is full of hills and valleys. The present is truly precious because it becomes yesterday too quickly. To stop and enjoy each day is difficult but it is so rewarding because it helps us to go forward with anticipation.

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  4. Has it really been 5 years? I must have found you pretty close to the beginning of this blog and I have seen you change, grow, adapt, survive, and maybe even thrive. Keep going girlfriend, we all have our bumps in the road (hubby has been un(der)employed for 3 years now), and we all have to lean on God for growth and support. I have found it interesting, also, that most of the blogs I read try to focus on only the good things. They try not to mention the challenges, and now, I am seeing more and more open up and say, "hey, my life has some really tough moments, and I'm not sure where they are leading!" It brings us closer. Even though we will probably never meet, it allows us to know you more, to send words of love and support accross the miles, and to know we aren't alone in our struggles. Thanks for letting us in. Even though I don't comment all the time, I'm reading and thinking of you. I wish you the best.

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  5. Bravo!
    It's all about living EVERYDAY!

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  6. Oh what a timely post for me to read today as I lick my (self inficted) wounds thinking my life is soooo yuck. I DO have the life you had, and I am complaining... I think it is just (my) (human) nature to always question where we (I) are and where we are going. I read all the cute and catchy phrases and nod my head in agreement: yes! it IS journey, not the destination! It IS the story, not the ending! But when will I REALLY get it? When I am confronted with your honesty and transparency (love that-from Adrienne above!) I feel like a fool and a fake. How many more days will I waste waiting for something to happen so I can REact? Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us. THIS is among the many talents that are your calling. It may not make you $, but you sure are famous around these here parts and if you only knew what an inspiration you are to us out here... well- I think you just wouldn't be the same Tracey. God bless you when you lay your worried little head down tonight- you just have no idea that you are doing EXACTLY what you are supposed to do...Maybe it is our job to always question? Thanks for making me stop and think...

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  7. You are exactly right! I am so proud of you for allowing God to bring you to this place of wisdom. Thanks too for being vulnerable and bringing us all along on your journey. You have taught us so much. But don't ever forget that the ultimate and permanent destination is heaven. Glory! Meanwhile, I'll keep checking your lovely blog every. single. day!

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  8. I have a similar life, but mine change was the illness and death of my husband. So I am living Plan B, which is not what I signed up for either. I think we'll make it, though. ♥♫

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  9. I learn so much from your blog. Thank you for sharing.

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  10. You may not know but the Lord does, and He cares.

    Jeremiah 29:11
    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

    And then there's Mary Tyler Moore:

    Who can turn the world on with her smile?
    Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
    Well it's you, girl and you should know it
    With each glance and every little movement you show it

    Love is all around, no need to waste it
    You can have the town - why don't you take it?
    You're gonna make it after all
    You're gonna make it after all

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  11. A wise woman told me long ago to relish the journey...I find I so often used to look at the journey as the "means to the end" but over the years with similar changes that you have experienced, I've learned to be thankful for the path I'm sent down-even those curves I didn't expect! Life is certainly an adventure, isn't it?

    Thank you for bringing this up because it helps us all to reflect upon the fact that someone else may have different plans for us :-)

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  12. refreshing honesty!
    thank you...

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  13. Hello! So....here is my "predictable" life. My high school sweetheart and I were going to get married after college, have children, good jobs, "good" kids, our health and always be madly in love. (Okay, we were young) We got married in our late twenties, decided to have children and well, what would have happened if we had not been married, unexpected pregnancy, did not happen for a long time. I had a great, high paying job in Seattle,we had our first baby, brokerage firms started downsizing and I became a stay at home mom. This was the LAST thing I thought would happen. I truly believed we would live a certain kind of life in Seattle, well, I live on a farm in Montana. I own an antique store. I have two lovely boys that are nothing like what I expected or predicted. We have NO money. None! The family members that I thought would be close forever.....aren't. Our marriage is different than I thought it would be. Madly in love, well, I still love to see his truck drive into the yard. Nothing is what I expected. The future is unpredictable to everyone. I promise you there are women out there who would change places with you in an instant. Everything has pluses and minuses and nothing absolutely nothing is predictable.
    Sorry to ramble, but I have learned some big life lessons in the last few years and they werent fun. I say listen to GG, ups and downs and enjoying every moment.

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  14. Tracey, I SO identify with the feelings of angst that you describe...I often feel that just beyond today, is the next event that will upend my world. I admire folks (and want to BE one) that suck the marrow from every single moment of every day, without a thought about what might go awry. I believe that YOU achieve that more often than not! I have recently been reading The Tao of Now, by Josh Baran, which drives home the point of living mindfully, NOW. YOU are an inspiration to me, too! Thank you for sharing your journey.

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  15. It's a question of becoming 'process' rather than 'product' oriented. Finger paint with a grandchild...they can show you the way!

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  16. I have been reading your blog for quite some time also. You have had job changes and moved to different locations and all that not-so-fun stuff. But through it all you have a lot of blogger friends that have learned so much from you. We love your creativity! It is obvious that your God-given talent has helped you cope through some pain and hurt. And in the meantime you have been such a blessing to us.
    God bless and continually keep you in His care!

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  17. Tracey, I have been following you and your blog for awhile and if it helps you at all, please know that what you have done with your life in the last 5 years has INSPIRED me!!! Your resourcefulness, your determination, but most importantly to create something beautiful out of chaos.
    Personally, we fall into the list of those effected by the economy. Living is paycheck to paycheck - and I HATE it! But I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful kids. We are finally living back in our hometown, but due to money, I have no car and haven't seen half the people that I thought I would be able to see! But thanks to your blog and your projects, I am hoping to start creating beautiful items for the home and (fingers crossed) sell them and make some much-needed extra money so that we can enjoy life a little more.

    Thanks for all you do!

    XoXo,
    Kristal

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  18. I read an article about a mother who had a child who was born with special needs. She likened it to planning a trip to France - you know everything about France but when you get off the plane you're in Holland. It's not that Holland isn't beautiful but you don't know your way around and you were expecting France! I think you've landed in Holland and you are doing a great job finding your way in an unexpected and unknown place! xoxo Nancy

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  19. Nancy, I LOVE your analogy!!! That is it EXACTLY!!! Thanks for your insight.
    Tracey

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  20. I think you do an admirable job of dealing with the challenges you've been given, Tracey. Your family is wonderful and you seem to discover joy in many little unexpected nooks. You are not afraid take risks and see what happens. I think it's your bravery that inspires as much as your creativity. And you're able to reflect and regroup as necessary. Hugs!

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  21. thanks.... that pretty well puts things in perspective for me.

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  22. I so agree with all the comments that have been made! I 'got off in Holland instead of France' as well (thankyou, Nancy..........I imagine this will become the 'catch phrase' of the century, because it is so perfectly fitting for so many of our situations!) Tracey, I literally went directly to your blog today, for the very purpose of being inspired and re-grounded. Your transparency is no less than a 'how-to' guide, that not only allows us the comfort of knowing we are not alone in our pain, but, you inspire us to take a step OUT of the pain by tapping into our own talents and resources to weather the emotional storm, as well as to find new purpose and meaning for our day. Thankyou so very much for sharing the gift of your whole self with us. You are helping me to not only survive, but , to thrive, in my own 'Holland'. God bless you!

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  23. What a great post, Tracey! I don't have anything intelligent to add like the others, but this really resonated with me and I love it. Here's to going through Plan B, C *and* D and finally chucking the plan book out the window.

    xoxo,
    ~Angela~

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  24. Live life, look forward to every day, Live, Love, Laugh. Hugs Mary

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  25. thank you SO much for that!!! Very well said. It's never what you thought it would be... and that's not comforting at all ;) I've been checking in and reading about your journey for at least a few years... it's amazing all you have done and how much you have grown :) so very happy for you!!

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  26. I absolutely love your blog. And I so much appreciated this post that I wrote about it and linked to you from my blog here:
    http://everythinggoeswithpurple.wordpress.com/

    Have a wonderful night!
    Krissy

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